Fellow intersex blogger Zoe Brain has recently alerted me to the fact that being someone’s intersexed status may not open their minds to gender variations. So here we have people that are living in physical bodies that blur the line between male and female, and yet feel that transgendered people are encroaching on the “true” intersexed with their claims that transgender is genetic or biological. HELLO?! Why are we fighting over this?

Is it not a good thing for transgender to be recognised as nature rather than nurture? It doesn’t hurt intersex as far as I can see, and in fact it ties in with all the intersexed people that feel they are one gender over the other - is that not some form of transgender? A cisgender intersex would, in theory, be intergendered. So any intersexed person that just knows they are a man or just knows they are a womyn deep down despite their body betraying them, should surely know the transgender plight… because that’s what transgender is.

I decided to do a little number crunching (I hate maths but I’m not terrible at it) to analyse how rare an asexual person with complete gonadal dysgenesis and six toes really is.

Incidence of Complete Gonadal Dysgenesis: 1 in 150,000 (0.00067%) ^[1]

Incidence of Polydactyly: 3.74 in 10,000 (0.0374%) ^[2]

Incidence of Asexuality (estimate): 1% ^[3]

Combine these? Let’s see if I can figure this out.

The population of the world is approximately 6,660,000,000. 1% is 66,600,000.

0.0374% of that is 2,490,840.

0.00067% of that is 1,669.

That means there are about 1,669 people like me in the world, of all ages and ethnicities. That is 0.000025% of the world’s population, or one in 3,990,413.

I’m not just one in a million… I’m one in four million.

Please, if you are a mathematician and I got something wrong, do say so. I haven’t done anything particularly mathematical since I was sixteen.

I’ve been searching for a product that will remove my risk of brittle bones while maintaining my androgynous figure. Could this drug, Raloxifene, be my answer? It is a substance that acts like estrogen in the maintenance of bones and yet has an “anti-oestrogenic” action in the breasts and uterus. The apparent side effects include leg cramps, hot flashes and mild risk of deep vein thrombosis and a few other bloodstream related issues. Not that Premarin doesn’t have side effects just as bad.

So basically, this could be like having my cake and eating it too. If  nothing else it would keep me safe (in fact, help fix my osteopenia) while I really weighed up whether I want to be female or not.

Has anyone heard of this drug before? Apparently it’s fairly new, less than 10 years of being available to the general population. It has been available in Australia since 1999.

My main concern is, what do I tell my endocrinologist? I guess I don’t have to take her advice if I don’t feel it’s right for me. I’m just really shy. I guess my good excuse is that when I get back to Australia, I will be living an hour’s drive from her, giving me a reason to stop seeing her once she gets me my gonadectomy.

Anyway this is still speculation. I don’t know much about the drug, but I think it would be my best shot at maintaining a neutrois identity and not suffering for it.

Do you think if I wrote a graphic novel about my life people would buy it?

I say this because even I am bewildered when I look back on my life. It has the following quirks:

• Born with 11 toes
• Ruined psyche at an early age through bullying
• Angsty teenage years
• Witchcraft and Paganism
• Weird ouija board experiences
• Friend possessed (in her own words)
• Possible delusions during and following ordeal
• Having one boyfriend (ever), and learning that kissing was pretty gross and somewhat ridiculous
• Falling in platonic love with formerly possessed friend
• Distinct lack of puberty
• Being obese and then losing a load of weight
• Discovery of Asexuality
• Learning of my gender-neutrality
• Learning of my intersex condition shortly thereafter
• Travelling the world and things constantly going wrong

Pretty nuts huh?

Greetings all. Yeah, I’m still around.

Here I am in Liverpool, UK. I’ll be returning to home soil on the second of July after visiting the States for two weeks. I’m getting pretty excited about that. I mean I love it here, but I’m tired of having no money all the time. If this has taught me nothing else, it’s that entry level jobs in Australia are so much easier to live off. I could stay working at a supermarket deli the rest of my life and still be able to live comfortably, travel, and be able to get a new computer every few years. Not that I want to stay working in a deli… but I could if my dreams of being a web developer fail miserably.

Anyway. I just wanted to make a new blog post conveying my thoughts about my situation. I admit I’ve really had intersex issues pushed to the back of my mind while I’ve been away, but it has a way of creeping back into my thoughts. I think about it every time I read something about gender…. about the differences between men and women.

• There was a moment today when I realised that with going back to Australia comes with it the surgery. The removal of my gonads. It kind of scares me. I don’t like the thought of being put to sleep while people crowd around me sticking things into my flesh. It’s mainly irrational I suppose, but it’s just I’ve never had surgery before. I’ve never so much as had a broken bone. I don’t enjoy alcohol because I don’t like feeling out of sync with my body. What will anaesthetic be like I wonder?
•  When I go out, I can never decide how to present myself. Should I don my earrings, chuck on foundation and dig out whatever feminine clothes I have (not much), should I put on the men’s shirt I bought that makes me look snappy and wear the pants and shoes that are men’s because there aren’t any women’s the right size, or should I mix and match? No matter what I do, I feel like a phony and the feeling just won’t go away. Women’s, men’s and androgynous looks don’t feel right. So what is there left??! Do I need to do something different with my hair to feel like my look reflects me? Or will I just never be satisfied no matter what I look like because the bottom line is, the world is going to see one of two genders no matter how I look, and I just can’t do anything about it?
  Makes me feel pretty powerless.
• People continue to baffle me about their beliefs about the way they should act according to their sex. It’s especially pronounced in the city centre of Liverpool, where most of the girls are tanorexic tarts and most of the guys are foul-mouthed alcoholic lechs. It’s an environment without varying role models, it seems to me. People don’t seem to realise they are allowed to not act the same as everyone else.
• Since my last bra broke, I’ve only been wearing the crop top I have left. It’s doing an adequate job and I don’t think a bra is necessary, at least until I’m back on hormones. I have less breast shape than ever and that’s cool with me. I might as well enjoy it while it lasts. The time for turmoil over HRT is reserved for my return home. But boy will I be in turmoil. Just you wait. Angsty goodness.
• The period I got just before I left home still concerns me. How long until I get another one? Moreso than breasts, this freaks me the hell out. This has been the one thing I’ve always dreaded, ever since I read about it in a book about puberty when I was 8. I’m not a fertile woman so why should I deal with the one thing that tells women they’re ready for a baby? That’s the ultimate insult. I get all the things that make a woman a woman, minus the thing that actually makes being a woman useful. Screw that.

  Brittle bones & possible hunchback or a life of daily pill taking, bleeding from my barren loins and developing bulbous growths on my chest?

  That’s the decision summed up the way I see it.

…Sucks to be me.

Part One:

Part Two:

Hi everybody!

I’m back from my hiatus! Well, I’m back on the blog, but my overseas trip is still in full swing. I’m posting from London. Next month I’ll be posting from Liverpool!  Exciting stuff.

So I think I owe you guys a good update on my situation. After all, I’m still getting subscriptions on YouTube to this day, so it’s clear that I’ve tapped some kind of niche that just doesn’t really exist online. And that’s the whole reason I started this blog and vlog. I wanted to spread the intersex message in a candid and honest way, and that seems to really be a positive thing judging from the response I’ve got.

So I’m coming back, and I’m going to see this through. I almost lost my motivation for a little while there, during tough times here in the UK (I used to work in a life-draining live in kitchen job a few months back), but your continuous support has swayed me, and I want to send everyone thanks. I will be posting a new video as soon as I can.

So what about me then? What has happened since I got this so-called menarche? NOTHING!

Basically, as I left to go travelling, my doc told me to stop my HRT, because it increased my potential of cancer while there was nothing I could do about it.

So I stopped. At my first port of call, Hong Kong, in just two days my breasts had lost their tenderness. They were back to the way I was used to. Insensitive bits of skin that I could poke at without cringing. It really made me pleased.  Over time, I actually noticed I wasn’t filling out my bra like before, so obviously they had at some point started to grow… but that’s well and truly been reversed now. No sign of blood either, which is to be expected. And a big sigh of relief to a year longer of being free of periods. How much are hysterectomies?

I’ve also come in leaps and bounds in my androgyny. I spooked an old lady in the women’s toilets in Watford, and was pointed out as a gay man in Camden Town (was it my matching rainbow knitted scarf and hat?). Every time it made me partially embarrassed and partially proud. These mixed feelings stem from both a happiness that I wasn’t taken as a woman, and an unease of being taken for a man. I would prefer neither, but society tends not to open its mind that far.

On Christmas day, I ate lunch on Trafalgar Square with my sister while wearing a men’s shirt, men’s pants and of course my size 10 UK Extra Wide men’s shoes. Oh, and dangly earrings and a necklace.  Such is the experimentation of a neutrois.

Ta ta for now. I hope this has helped dispel rumours of my death!

So, as I was about to have a shower yesterday, I discovered blood in my panties.

 Did I just get my period…?!

This is a bit disappointing. I was not expecting anything to come out of there until a few years from now. It was bit of a lame menarche though, because it was about three or four drips. Nothing more. I guess I should be glad of that.

My endocrinologist told me I may need to go off my tablets (or decrease the dosage) while I go on my overseas trip to the UK (I leave in 3 days and I go for a YEAR), because the estradiol may increase my risk of gonadoblastomas. As soon as I return, I’m going to have a gonadectomy to remove that risk,  and go back on my pills. I worry about my bones, but I’m taking loads of calcium and definitely will be doing a large amount of exercise which will help.

Because of my trip, I will not be available on this blog for about 2 months from now. So I bid you guys farewell for now!! Thanks for your support!

I don’t know exactly why, but I feel so much more confident with this haircut. Not only that, but I feel so much less feminine, in a hugely positive way. Before I got the cut, I wondered whether or not it would feel unnatural… but somehow, even though the last time my hair was this short was when I was a newborn, it feels incredibly right. I just love it.

I’m getting my hair chopped off tonight!

First I will plait it and cut that off to donate sometime in the future for wigmaking. Then my sister, who is very excited, gets to experiment with it. She says she will be giving me a mohawk! After the hair is short enough we’ll be going through it with clippers (they’re not very good clippers, which is why we’re chopping my hair off first).

Expect a video!